dirty martini

old music for new people

two miles an hour so everybody sees you June 8, 2008

long before will smith extolled the virtue of driving slowly through the summer heat, to ensure potential hookups got to see you looking your best, crews who weren’t old enough to drive found another way to look cool.

they lugged a fifty pound ghettoblaster round town all day.  any less than four people looked desperate – boom boxing was a group activity, plus, it was heavy work. ghettoblasters generally required four to six huge batteries to keep going for, ooh, two hours, and so you might think the lads would plan strategically for maximum impact from their hard earned. nope.

instead of trying to impress girls and finding out where they would be, you could usually find boom boxers outside hotspots such as:

  • hanging around outside woolies
  • in the tesco trolley area
  • round the back of the bingo hall
  • on deckchairs on the beach near all the OAPs
  • on a bench in the middle of a roundabout
  • in the local park

hmm. the girls are at each others houses, getting their fake id ready to go out and meet boys who have cars and don’t need to lope around town with a boombox on their shoulder…

download here

brooklyn funk essentials – do or die bedstuy

bvsmp – i need you

doug e fresh – the show

full force – your love is so def

just ice – latoya

kurtis blow – if i ruled the world

ll cool j – i need love

rocksteady crew – hey you

run dmc – it’s tricky

slick rick – mona lisa

utfo – fly girl

whistle – just buggin’

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babies making babies December 20, 2007

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so, jamie lynn spears is pregnant. big surprise, that one. her family have been so busy watching britney self-destruct they took their eye off the hormonal teenager. textbook.

to be honest, she looks so much older its not that shocking. not like when sarah in corrie had a baby at 12. jamie lynn looks at least 23 to me.

er…congrats? good luck might be more appropriate.

as for the music – opinion is divided. as in life.

download here

aaliyah – age ain’t nothin’ but a number

now, aaliyah didn’t have any babies, but she did allegedly marry r.kelly at the age of 15. which was equally inadvisable. age is nothin’ but a number…and the law ain’t nothin’ but a judge in a wig.

alfonso ribeiro – not too young

yes, as in carlton banks from fresh prince. in the 80s he was apparently influenced heavily by new edition and this track has ‘candy girl’ all over it…no matter, all i can visualise is that dancing.

collie buddz – young girl 2 rude

don’t be fooled – collie may look like a trousersnake wannabe but he’s a reggae artist. and he’s not reggae’s answer to eminem either. he’s much better than that.

cool notes – you’re never too young

band members steve and lorraine’s baby is bradley mcintosh of s club fame. his musical heritage was not something that was mentioned during s club’s moment in the spotlight. probably thought it was too embarrassing – for the parents.

guru – young ladies

guru with added patra, kool keith and big shug.

janet jackson – young love

janet, of course, lives under the suspicion of having been a teen mum herself. the increasingly desperate debarges ‘leaked’ details of janet’s supposed daughter from her marriage to james debarge. the jury’s still out…

john david lewis – high school lady

quite who this person was and why he was singing about high school girls is anyone’s guess…

khadejia – here we go

wyclef jean affiliate khadejia didn’t do anything else, as far as I know.

musiq – 17

this song is about a girl who lies about her age in order to hook up with someone older…hey we all did it.

nicole ray – seventeen

i don’t quite get if ‘nicole’, ‘nicole ray’ and ‘nicole wray’ are all one and the same artist. did one of them do the song that was sampled for ‘nicole’s groove’?

prince – lolita

new skool prince that sounds satisfyingly old.

solange knowles – naive

b advises solo to act her age, slow it down, and….she ignored it. this was more of an embarrassment than matthew knowles was prepared to admit. when will people learn that the easiest way to get a kid to do something is to tell them not to do it?

 

the sound of summer August 25, 2007

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ok, i’m getting this one in quick. its bank holiday weekend and i’m reliably infomed that this weekend is going to resemble summer. as reliable as uk forecasters get anyway, what’s this 90% chance of rain business? they can never be wrong!

so this weekend, make the most of it and secretly thank god that your failed diet summer 2007 can be put on the backburner until the new year. i’ve actually learned to cope with rain better than i used to so that’s something good to come out of the monsoon.

and if the weather fails us again? girls – that boots brand airbrush fake tan, the one thats been half price, is quite good and much cheaper than the l’oreal version. it just smells a bit like a candle burning out, but not entirely unpleasant…

songs we haven’t had much need for this yeardownload here

jazzy jeff and the fresh prince – summertime

i used to know all the words to this. ok, i still do. this version is a remix that i don’t remember. it may be new or old but its by yam who.

dove shack – summertime in the lbc

g funk classic. no idea who they are.

isley brothers – summer breeze

one of my mum’s favourite songs by one of the greatest soul bands ever.

10cc -dreadlock holiday

‘i don’t like cricket. i love it.’ eh? sounds like a compliment from simon cowell.

another level – summertime

from the boys’ second album. their last single, if i remember correctly.

belinda carlisle – summer rain

the musical embodiment of the word ‘humid’.

bob marley – sun is shining

the original version, not the ibiza remix.

deeelite – picnic in the summertime

who can resist lady miss kier and co? from their 1995 album dewdrops in the garden.

stevie wonder – summer soft

one of many stevie wonder songs dealing with summer and sunshine.

lighthouse family – ocean drive

south beach is summer.

friends of distinction – grazing in the grass

have barely walked on grass this year let alone sat on it!

chic – a warm summer night

disco queens chic actually made some mellower tracks too, like this one.

 

songs you turn down on your ipod… August 12, 2007

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..in case the person next to you hears and it shatters your illusion of cool. you know what i’m talking about.

past a certain age, these things are retro, but if ipods had been invented when i was 20, i wouldn’t have even dared to have these mp3s on mine. once you hit 25, crap music from your childhood is acceptable, and of course the girl/boybands you cried over are wheeled out again once they run out of cash and need to make a comeback.

those 100 worst songs ever shows they have on vh1 are always required viewing. one man’s trash another man’s treasure and all that. i’ll take these cheesy masterpieces over a radiohead gloomfest anyday.

don’t play these out louddownload here

kid creole and the coconuts – i’m a wonderful thing baby

kid creole and his coconuts were a tropical, clashing inclassifiable group who made comedy records with some credibility. i did say some, they were funky novelty records at the end of the day. post benny hill political incorrectness, but positively chaste compared to today’s r&b bootyvideos.

mark morrison – crazy

he needn’t have made this list but for the fact that he’s an absolute tosser, and for that reason alone you feel slightly dirty listening to his music. when he’s not banged up for the usual drugs/gbh/theft, mark likes to parade around london nightclubs with two ‘bitches’ on his arm. classy.

mc hammer – u can’t touch this

in 1990, everyone loved mc hammer despite the fact that each and every one of his songs was a blatant ripoff. once we caught on, after our indignant parents played us the originals to demonstrate how crap he was, his career sunk faster than his dancing. everyone ignored his attempt to drop the ‘mc’, and soon his trousers were out of fashion and so was he.

michael bolton – how am i supposed to live without you

michael bolton looked like an ageing chippendale and sang power ballads that were oddly compelling. for a 14 year old girl, the curly mulleted one shouldn’t have resonated, but did, because it sounded like he had loved and lost a few paperboys in his time as well. i was over it in a week.

vanilla ice – ice ice baby

where to start. well forget the proto eminem, pretty-fly-for-a-white guy persona, and the fact that he looked like he’d been brought up on crisps. and gloss over the fact that every other song he ever put out was shit. this tune still rocks a yates wine bar on a friday night, for those of a certain age, and you know it.

milli vanilli – girl you know its true

that miming incident and the ensuing revelation that milli vanilli didn’t sing their own songs was puzzling to me. from the outset, there was clearly a woman singing in the background and rob’n’fab were german not american. the idea that the braided ones couldn’t sing was slightly less shocking to me than their shoulder pads and odd wooden puppet style dancing.

mn8 – i’ve got a little something for you

a boyband song i liked when i was just about too old to like boybands, ie of legal drinking age. i think one of my university flatmates pulled the lead singer one night. she didn’t sell the story – we had grants in those days. plus we were only just realising the phenomenom of being able to carve a whole career from a one night stand or by being a celebrity girlfriend who wears a dress fashioned from safety pins.

spice girls – say you’ll be there

i hated the spice girls. every boy i knew was obsessed with them, and baby spice was my age and had millions in the bank, while i was a student. an anti-student who shopped in harvey nicks, nonetheless. i liked this song and hated myself for it. now i really couldn’t give a shit. i promise many of you will feel the same way about girls aloud in a decade’s time.

vanessa paradis – joe le taxi

again, vanessa was dislikable for the very fact that boys liked her so much. still, you could sing along to joe le taxi without being expected to know the correct lyrics, which was a bonus. ‘ampoule day ash’ anyone? apparently she was singing ’embouteillage’. she needs some elocution lessons. perhaps johnny can buy her some *hisssssssssssssssssss*

nkotb – i wanna be loved by you

this track, from their debut album, way before they were famous, sounds like an old creme egg advert. but instead of listing what they liked to do with creme eggs, they boys introduced themselves, their starsigns and somewhat unnecessarily pitched themselves as possible boyfriends to millions of teenage girls. red flag, bull. has to be heard to be believed.

wham – young guns

george michael encouraging people to be unemployed and play the field? imagine such a thing from such an upstanding citizen. more criminal was possibly the worst (best) rapping ever. if you haven’t seen the george michael episode of star stories, you need to. now. ‘we’re wham boys, and we’re on the dole. ooh yeah!’ classic.

will smith – getting jiggy with it

we’ve since established that jazzy jeff was the talented musician, but will had the charm and the character. this tune was a favourite for women in white stretch lace in branches of time and envy up and down the UK. i defy you not to sing, dance, or both.

 

jack your body June 1, 2007


for the under 25s, new jack swing is a hazy childhood recollection. it’s a young will smith running on the spot as the fresh prince of bel air, dwayne wayne after a few too many alize’s at the campus club in a different world.
new jack swing was the natural progression from slick yet laidback jheri soul, thrown into the 90s by adopting faster beats for crowds getting used to the more hectic pace of the house and garage scene.
of all the retro revivals, its difficult to see the flat top, loud clashing hammer pants and two tone shirts making a comeback to the fashion world. although it would be a laugh to see desperately trendy 16 year olds looking so ridiculous in the pursuit of fashion. i would definitely invoke the ‘if you remember it the first time round…’ rule and leave the girls’ lycra minidress and bubble perm well alone.
the music however, was the most futuristic that r&b had sounded until timbaland turned the entire genre on its head in the late 90s. it was criticised at the time, like jheri soul, for being over-produced, and strangely, sounds about right listened to now. anyone who’s anyone tried their hand at the sound though, and there’s nothing that date’s a genre so effectively as joey lawrence, nkotb, debbie gibson and those damn turtles.
for the real deal, check for those reruns of house party, in living color and new jack city.
twelve hi top fade anthemsdownload here
al b sure – if i’m not your lover
fondly remembered, mostly for this track and the dreamy/bouncy late 80s track ‘night and day’. about to launch a radio show called ‘the secret garden’, full of slow jams and celebrity insights. sounds unintentionally hilarious, i can’t wait!
basic black – she’s mine
almost one-hit wonders, this is the remix club version. also check out ‘special kind of fool’, a popular ballad.
bel biv devoe – do me
now the new edition veterans were all grown up, and claimed their rightful place alongside bobby brown as new jack swing pioneers, with this, their second single after the hugely successful debut, ‘poison’.
father mclisa baby
popular track, in its remixed form, from the band known mostly for ’69’. yes that masterpiece of subtlety. father dropped the ‘mc‘, like hammer before him, and went on to duet with a young mary j blige.
guy – i wanna get with you
so many guy tracks, so little time. the band were established by the time this was released, having practucally invented new jack swing a few years earlier.
keisha jackson – mama told me
one of the few girls on the new jack scene, before swv, tlc and jade came along and were labelled as the new jill swing invasion. i actually wasn’t sure that keisha was a girl, until recently….oops! in fact i’m pretty sure i used to confuse her with tevin campbell.
mantronix and jade trini – don’t go messin‘ with my heart
hiphop and electro were kurtis mantroniks comfort zones but even he got in on the action in 1991. this track, more obviously than keisha‘s somewhat masculine effort, gave a much needed injection of girlieness to the proceedings.
mariah carey – someday remix
mariah was new to the scene in 1990 and whilst she was gaining a reputation for her soaring vocals and that whistle register, she already had one eye on the club scene and drafted in shep pettibone, 80s remixer extraordinaire.
ready for the world – yo that’s a lot of body
a brash yet bubbling bassline and jacking beats give way to vocals that creep and you can just imagine rotfw bogling next to you in the club…still, can’t imagine a njs set without it.
rythm syndicate – p.a.s.s.i.o.n
had two hits then disappeared. used to get regular play on mtv and like so many others before and since, labelled as ‘that group who sound a bit like prince‘.
samuelle – so you like what you see
originally part of club nouveaux, samuelle released one solo new jack album in 1990.
today – him or me
had actually been recording as ‘the gents’ during the 80s, but a chance meeting with new jack supremo teddy riley proved fortuitous after years of flops.