dirty martini

old music for new people

when life imitates art May 11, 2008

this mariah and nick cannon thing…has to be fake surely. i know she’s madder than a bag of ferrets, but shotgun wedding to serial dater and no pre-nup? come ON…

download here

aaliyah and r.kelly – the thing i like

very seedy – aaliyah signed with r.kelly’s label at 13…and two years later they allegedly married when she was 15 although the certificate said she was 18. maybe she was? of all the discussions i’ve seen on this topic this hasn’t been raised a possibility. aaliyah went on to date damon dash. and r.kelly? not going there.

ashanti and nelly – switch

not sure if these two are still together or not – in any case both are releasing albums shortly so you can bet that they’ll let us know one way or another, depending on how their publicists decide to play it.

beyonce and jay-z – upgrade you

i want to like jayonce, but they have really dull friends like ‘new bono’ chris martin and gwyneth paltrow. on the upside, their inevitably impending offspring will have fabulously ghetto names, probably chosen by worlds’ scariest mama tina knowles. bet she’s scouring those 80s music lists for a faux francais babyname that jheri soul’s finest would be proud of.

bobby brown and whitney houston – something in common

oh how we loved bobby and whitney – 80s badboy teen falls for older woman and mends his ways. for about five years, then he has an early midlife crisis and it all goes badly wrong. now whitney is trying to replicate the good old days with an even younger model and bobby is trying to get it on with anyone who’ll have him.

brandy and boyz ii men – brokenhearted

think those child protection laws must’ve been a bit slack in the early 90s. like aaliyah, brandy fell prey to an older counterpart but *sigh of relief* it was sensible old wanya of non-threatening boyz ii men, and he apparently waited until she was 16…

common and erykah badu – the light

after splitting with andre 3000 of outkast, crazy bag lady erykah (i do mean that in a nice way) hooked up with smiley rapper common. this woman outcrazied two rappers. do not mess.

jennifer lopez and p diddy – feelin’s so good

i did like j lo and puffy. it was a shame about that inconvenient little shooting incident which scared her off. they were fabulously trashy and didn’t care. she also was channelling the best outfits of her life when they were together. i still want that green tropical versace number…

kelis and nas – popular thug

seemingly solid couple and i’m kind of impressed with nas that he chose kelis, who clearly is not your run of the mill model-video actress-clinique salesgirl by day type, which he no doubt had his pick of.

mary j blige and kci hailey – i don’t want to do anything

a bad move for mary, and i would say that jodeci were more than a little tarnished by the revelations concerning the destructive nature of her relationship with kci, which she was dealing with for years before she met kendu. karma’s a bitch – have you seen the state of jodeci lately?

notorious big and faith evans – one more chance

not the likeliest of lotharios but biggie managed to charm quite a few women in his 23 years…faith and lil kim faced off quite publicly about him for a while and let’s face it, must have felt a bit ridiculous fighting over someone so er, non-standard.

prince and vanity – if a girl answers

prince and vanity lead denise matthews had a short lived relationship, once they split, denise aka vanity, hightailed it and was replaced by patricia kotero in a new group, appollonia. *crickets* yes of course he did, why do you think she got the job? vanity went on to date slighty taller men – adam ant and billy idol.

rihanna and chris brown – umbrella

so, blabbermouth jordin sparks lifted the lid on the relationship and now they’ve been ‘spotted’, unwittingly, in kfc…oh god…i mean they’re both like, 12 years old, why do i know this?  chris has only just started to form vowels properly.

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prince’s protegees – sharing the magic May 7, 2007

its a common misconception that all of prince‘s protegees were:

  1. short – and i do mean short, as in shorter than prince, who is a certified dwarf
  2. female – prince had so many associates, it wasn’t really necessary for him to be able to sleep with all of them…

we need to make a distinction here. prince wrote and produced for many artists but these are those whose success he can legitimately claim as partly his own.

its difficult to say whether or not they could have been successful without him, most were launched as ‘prince‘s latest project’. but their music is so much an extension of his own that it’s literally like discovering a whole new prince back catalogue. as is the man wasn’t prolific enough already…

also check out some rare prince, some even rarer prince and some dubious attempts to jack his style

ten artists who pretty much owe prince their careerdownload here

vanity 6 – undress me – 1982
originally named ‘the hookers’, the group wisely vetoed prince’s idea that they should perform in lingerie and heels. fronted by his then-girlfriend denise matthews, their biggest hit was ‘nasty girl’ in 1982.

apollonia 6 – blue limousine – 1984

after rows with prince led to lead vanity 6 member denise matthews fleeing paisley park, patricia kotero stepped in and the project became apollonia 6. they only released one album, and still didn’t wear much.


jill jones – violet blue – 1987

former back up singer to teena marie, she was recruited to provide backup vocals for the 1999 album. her debut album in 1987, written and produced by the man himself, received rave reviews and now sells on ebay for several hundred dollars.

mazarati – strawberry lover – 1984

originally given one of prince‘s biggest hits ‘kiss ‘to record, as soon as he heard it he kept it for himself. if only he’d done the same with tom jones. they managed to make off with an album’s worth though and had brief success in the mid 80s.

sheena easton – sugar walls – 1984

reality tv isn’t actually a new phenomenon, especially search for a star type programming. in 1980, sheena, then 21, was followed in her attempts to gain a record contract. after landing one, she soon decamped to the US and after some dodgy country music attempts, regained her senses and hooked up with prince in 1984. this track was banned by some stations – an interesting development for sheena but something prince had become a veteran of by this point.

wendy and lisa – satisfaction – 1989

originally part of ‘the revolution’ one of prince‘s earlier backing bands. they doubtless learnt a lot form touring and working with prince but in fact, achieved their success alone. the girls felt underappreciated and rebelled, leading to prince firing them in 1986, interrupting and delaying work that would become the ‘sign of the times’ album. they parlayed their industry expertise and talent into several successful albums, most notably ‘fruit at the bottom’ in 1989.

taja sevelle – love is contagious – 1987

taja joined paisley park in 1987 at the age of 25, and became instantly successful with this track, a worldwide hit. despite going on to sell many albums, she promptly disappeared, re-emerging a decade later with a radically different sound and image, now favouring indie twanging and tori amos style wild and unkempt image. hmmvery alternative (yawn)…

morris day and time – 777-9311 – 1984

a former classmate of prince and the remainders of the group flyte time who had a decent amount of success and exposure throughout the 80s. morris, who went solo in 1984, almost stole the show in under the cherry moon. this exaggerated persona was evident throughout his musical catalogue. like prince, he tried and failed to manage his own girl band, the day z’s. tlc paid homage when they covered the morris day and time track ‘get it up’ for 1993’s poetic justice soundtrack.

sheila e – a love bizarre – 1985
multi-talented instrumentalist sheila escovedo first collaborated with jazz bassist alphonso johnson in 1976 when she was just 18. soon after she met prince and he took her under his wing. she had several hit albums and appeared in the 1985 movie krush groove with ll cool j and blair underwood. lucky girl. she also appeared on the beyonce track ‘work it out’. and had to dodge lots of flying weave.

elisa fiorillo – on the way up – 1990

i didn’t know much about this girl except that she sang with jellybean and dated jordan knight of nkotb at some point. grr. apparently, she won star search at age 14 in 1983 and is mostly a back up singer.