dirty martini

old music for new people

advent calendar: the remix December 24, 2008

funkyxmas

ok, not quite the 12 days of christmas, and not even a bit seasonal, but a 90s r&b remix for every year. enjoy!

download 90s remixes

1990 – samuelle – so you like what you see – teddy riley remix

1991 – r.kelly – she’s got that vibe – jerv remix

1992 – shanice – i love your smile – hakeem’s remix

1993 – janet jackson – if – tnt bass remix

1994 – mary j blige – mary’s joint – puffy’s remix

1995 – smooth – mind blowin’ – kenny smoove illmatic remix

1996 – blackstreet – don’t leave me – goodbye remix

1997 – shades – tell me – characters remix

1998 – destiny’s child – with me – full crew remix

1999 – jennifer lopez – feelin’ so good – bad boy remix

 

put the lime in the coconut June 19, 2008

before ice cream…there was fruit.

download here

112 – peaches and cream

brick and lace – my apple

brownstone – grapevine

jeannie reynolds – fruit song

kid creole – don’t take my coconuts

mista – blackberry molasses

mtume – juicy fruit

prince – raspberry beret

sade – cherry pie

smooth – strawberries

 

around the way girls May 17, 2008

female rappers are still seen as a bit of a novelty sometimes – but they’ve been in the game almost as long as the men.

the principle change since the 80s has been that female rappers no longer are required to dress like rottweilers in order to be taken seriously. like the new jill swingers of the early 90s, who were forced to rock the then unlikely pairing of lumberjack shirts and doc martens with visible underwear and heavy matt makeup. this was way before all saints made boyswear cute.

if they have anything in common at all with the female rappers of the 90s and 00s, it would be with jean grae and missy rather than foxy brown and lil kim. this was resolutely not about sex – it was about competing with men on a level playing field, rather than resorting to stereotypes.

roxanne vs roxanne was thankfully, not as intense as east vs west coast but at the time it was every bit as sincere. i don’t think girls are as bothered about which coast they’re from…this is why we run things.

download here

b-beat girls – for the same man

carmen – throw down

finesse and synquis – soul sisters

jamaica girls – rock the beat

jj fad – supersonic

le tigre – we like the cars that go boom

neneh cherry – buffalo stance

the real roxanne – bang zoom

roxanne shante – roxanne’s revenge

salt-n-pepa – i like it like that

two sisters –  b-boys beware

wee papa girl rappers – wee rule

 

r&b girl bands: voted off the island April 26, 2008

assuming they were famous enough to get on a reality show in the first place. the 00s have not really been a great time for girl bands. in the late 90s it was a crowded market, full of stage school wannabes thrown together with people they hate and a few genuine girl groups looking to capitalise on the spice trend.

who do we have now? sugababes? girls aloud? tch…

download here

3lw – feelin’ you

ok not exactly drifting towards obscurity but in music terms, it’s over. interestingly when they debuted in 2000 they were sounding too mature and now in their 20s, they’re disney. counter-intuitive.

411 – on my knees

brit girl band from a few years back. like danity kane but less porn channel and more smtv. fond of hiphop sampling to communicate street credentials.

aaries – strangers to lovers

have collaborated with sir musiq of soulchild and this alone should have raised more interest. add that to the fact that they’re a fairly talented bunch and make quality soul not ringtone r&b and it’s difficult to see where it went wrong.

anjel – not the way i pictured it

after being dumped by beyonce and kelly (ok, beyonce and mathew..), letoya and latavia hooked up with naty quinones and tiffany beaudoin to form short-lived anjel.

bella  – never be me

yet another ‘big on myspace’ act that didn’t translate. see also ‘jazzy’ and ‘unklejam’.

blaque – i’m good

had a not bad run thanks to their mentor, left eye. blaque actually started out ten years ago nowm as blaque ivory. this track is now a staple of show like ‘so you think you can dance’ and ‘bump’n grind’ on trouble.

gyrlfriend – sprung

produced by the underdogs, but it wasn’t enough. their names is so 90s, as well.

her sanity – xclusive

over-produced and silly name. like a budget version of allure.

isyss – not letting him go

including the sister of actress meagan good, this group were quite good and focused on uptempos, which is always a bonus.

js – someone

think changing faces, not updated a great deal, for the 00s. i might have missed something but i don’t recall the original group being so popular that we needed a sequel.

phajja – checkin’ for me

their two albums were actually ok. a bit like brownstone to me. but they nicked a classic album title, ‘meeting in the ladies room’ and this seemed to seal their fate.

tg4 – two minutes

not very tastefully sang about virginity with needa s…yes that old woman once known as smooth. eww. that family are sleaze. lying about their ages and allegedly corrupting kids.

 

21 again? April 9, 2008

there is no news in the revelation that celebs lie about their age but it doesn’t get any less ridiculous.

they can get caught out by their voting records like ashton kutcher, resentful ex-classmates or their own desire to purge themselves and tell the truth, thus angering their publicist.

alicia keys

enemy of the stars, wendy williams, claims that rootsy alicia isn’t quite so authentic and is a few years older than she claims. her apparent maturity suggests that this could be true. she debuted in 1997 with ‘sexy thing’ on the men in black soundtrack.

amerie

her opening offer was 1982. no one bid. do i hear 1980? *crickets* ok, 1978? going once…

beyonce

who knows if that 1974 birth certificate is real? bee looked about 27 ten years ago and rumour has it this wouldn’t be the only secret she’s managed to keep. personally i think she may be telling the truth and just had a bad case of the catherine zeta joneses. just think how old she would look if she wasn’t spending an alleged 20k a month on her beauty regime.

jennifer lopez

achieved career nirvana and sang like a canary (once) when faced with police interrogation, and admitted to being born a year earlier than previously stated. hey, who else can we do this to?

kelis

shaved a year off her age in her early career until a la guardia classmate blew the whistle. others claim its more like five years. i just don’t see the point…she’s not that type of girl. i’m going to try and be tactful here….it just doesn’t make a difference, you know?

madonna

apparently her publicist made her lie about her age in the early days, but madonna herself revealed that she was two years older, having been born the same year as wacko. bet the leotard botherer wishes she had those two years back now that the big 5-0 is approaching.

michelle williams

made the mistake of standing in front of a banner reading ‘class of 1989’ for a yearbook photo. lol. even if that was just an old banner, everyone is too ready to believe she looks old enough to be 37, so it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not.

smooth

without a shadow of a doubt the most barefaced liar on this list. check her 1990 videos on youtube when she was apparently 11. although nothing would surprise me in that family i think chris stokes has an older sister not a younger one. a source claims that she was actually 34 a few years back – you do the math.

snoop

wiki says he could be anything up to 41 years old by now. which makes sense seeing as how he’s been on the scene since i was at school…and i’m not going into how long ago that was right now…

teedra moses

i’ve mentioned her age on here before and been told off (well, as far as you can tell someone who isn’t bothered). the wiki changed pretty quickly from 82 to 76 and that’s only three years off the truth. progress.

 

i love 1982: boogie nights February 7, 2008

vinyl-3.jpg

after disco, what was left for the clubs?

in 1982, the musical landscape was split pretty much between the last hangers on of disco, ska heads, fizzling out punk and the mainstream. hiphop was emerging but it would be ten years before the soul boys and girls hooked up with the rappers.

reluctant to let go of disco, but needing a new direction, boogie was born to fill the glitterball shaped void. it was so seamless most people didn’t even realise anything had changed. out went the strings, in came the bass. we also had bouncy blue eyed soul, and baby boy bands.

check out the start of the decade, 1980, and 1981, the last days of disco.

download 1982 here

amuzement park – make up your mind

this band exemplified the boogie soul movement.

barbara lynn – you make me so hot

saucepot barb was already a bit of a veteran by the time this was released. of course these days, a 25 year can be called  a veteran… 

carly simon – why

carly is quite annoying. but everyone loves this and it has been sampled and covered – by a tribe called quest for ‘bonita applebum’, a garage/dancehall cover by glamma kid and shola ama. written by chic, a rare demo by the group apparently does the rounds in ibiza. interesting.

damaris carbaugh – what about my love

sampled more than 20 years later for shapeshifters’ massive ‘lola’s theme’.

jocelyn brown – i wish you would

anyone with even a passing interest in 80s soul should already have ‘somebody else’s guy’. jocelyn and her big voice has gone on to work with incognito and todd terry, amongst others. 

klymaxx – all turned out

these sassy 80s girls ruled the early 80s dancefloors , way before the seminal ‘meeting in the ladies room’.

maze – before i let go

the 70s funk instrumentalists plus frankie beverly had two of the biggest boogie hits – this, and ‘joy and pain’ later covered by donna allen. quite badly.

musical youth – never gonna give you up

the uk’s answer to new edition. well not really, their music was completely different. but the uk wasn’t exactly able to tell the difference in 1982.

patrice rushen – where there is love

patrice dominated boogie (forget me nots, haven’t you heard, remind me) but she also did downtempo. this track was later sampled by smooth aka juanita stokes, who is by now probably 45 but is probably promoting herself as ’21’ if her track record is anything to go by.

prince  -1999

to omit this song from a 1982 list of any kind would be to totally underestimate its impact then, since, and now. no longer a gimmick now that the millenium has passed, it can be enjoyed for what it is. god it make you feel bloody old though.

real to reel – can you treat me like she does

not to be confused with reel 2 reel as in – i like to move it move it – as parodied by big breakfast puppets zig and zag.

skyy – call me

enduring 70s/80s band who peaked during the boogie period. later this track was interpolated by nicole ray on ‘seventeen’.or is it nicole wray? or just plain nicole?

 

90s r&b ingenues – some cautionary tales May 1, 2007

in today’s r&b scene there are several artists that you feel like you’ve grown up with. and there is a good reason for that – you have.the rise of teenage r&b singers in the early and mid 90s probably wouldn’t unfold in quite the same way today. it wasn’t entirely a new phenomenon – there have always been child stars but they usually made age appropriate music, or acted younger than their age. but representing real teenagers is a bit more difficult. we know they do the same things as adults, but it’s illegal so we don’t talk about it too much.
before the spice girls changed the rulebook, image and identity were just an added facet of celebrity rather than something you planned in great detail, either to complement talent or disguise a lack of it. it was possible to make music and be a bit vague about who you were and more importantly, how old you were.

the fact that these singers were the same age or even younger than they audience they were targeting, wasn’t immediately apparent. their songs dealt with adult issues, they collaborated with adults and existed within adult spaces. in some cases, this did impact on their personal lives by accelerating their development. we’ll never really know the truth about aaliyah and r.kelly‘s alleged underage marriage, unless it surfaces in the fallout from his court case.

ten 90s jailbait anthemsdownload here

brandy – baby
born 1979, debut 1994 at age 14
poor old brandy. until recently, one of the most successful of the 90s ingenues, having completed 4 successful albums, a tv show, movie and a panel spot on america’s got talent’. after the birth of her first child, her marriage was exposed as fake and she is currently awaiting trial for manslaughter after a crash that killed another driver. we won’t even go into her errant brother ray j, those tapes and the whitney thing…

tevin campbell – can we talk
born 1976, debut 1990 at age 13
tevin
‘s first taste was as a guest performer on prince‘s 1990 album ‘graffiti bridge’. a year later, his first album hit and he became an overnight star. he famously dated tatyana ali, both on and off-screen, after a cameo role playing himself in the fresh prince of bel air. there has been considerable speculation about his sexuality and he has been arrested for a george michael-style incident with an undercover cop.


aaliyah – the thing i like

born 1979, debut 1994 age 15
since her tragic death in 2001, aaliyah‘s popularity has spiralled. before, she was a popular yet often overlooked singer on the verge of superstardom as an actress. she blossomed as she broke away from r.kelly and hooked up with visionaries missy elliott and timbaland. aaliyah’s smooth, caramel-like voice sounds even more soothing against many of the melismatic, shrill and shouty copycat acts she’s inspired since.


usher – think of you

born 1978, debut 1993 age 14

in 1991, 13 year old usher‘s appearance on star search led to a contract with laface. precocious beyond his years thanks to an ill-advised internship at bad boy, usher was well known on the circuit by 1992 and in 1993 his first track appeared on the soundtrack to poetic justice. in 1994 he released his eponymous debut, but didn’t hit paydirt until worldwide smash ‘you make me wanna’ in 1998.


monica – angel
born 1980, debut 1995 at age 14

in 1991, 11 year old monica started work on what would become her 1995 debut ‘miss thang‘. an astonishingly mature effort given that fact, it remains her best album to date and stood confidently alongside offerings from more mature artists. like many of her peers, monica has suffered significant personal trauma with the suicide of her boyfriend, and has been criticised recently for dressing her three year old son as a thug. these critics best not visit croydon. despite being only 26 now, she looks much older thanks to a dodgy bleach job.

smooth – mind blowin

born “1979”, debut 1990 age “11”…
ok, something here doesn’t quite add up. if her alleged birth year is correct, mc smooth debuted at age 11 in 1990 with an album produced by her brother, chris stokes who also produced b2k and iMx. we’ll suspend disbelief…in 1993 she recorded a sophomore effort, now as smooth, ‘you been played’, but it was her third album at age 16 in 1995, that broke her. now recording under an alias, ‘needa s’. her real name is juanita stokes if anyone can be bothered to uncover the truth…i hear she was born in 1973 but having viewed a clip on youtube that would have been recorded in 1990, i find it a stretch to believe she was even 17 at the time.




mona lisa – can’t be wasting my time
born 1979, debut 1995 age 16
had no idea she was so young at the time. if she was – she named her debut album ’11-20-79′, her birthdate, so more likely than the aforementioned ms stokes. if that picture’s anything to go by, mona tried a bit too hard to labour the point about her youth by wearing bunches. at the age of 16. her second album was shelved but a comeback is imminent and several tracks have leaked.




destiny’s child – no no no
born 1981/2 – debut 1997 ages 15
so, despite ongoing allegations that beyonce was born as early as 1974, and not 1981 as drilled home during recent bday promotion, it doesn’t seem as odd looking at the rest of this list. after several members and incarnations, which would later prove to be just the tip of the iceberg, their arrival in 1997 heralded the new era of jittery tracks overlaid with rhythmic rather than melodic vocals.



immature – feel the funk
born 1981, debut 1992 age 11
after a childish debut, immature, including future actor and r&b star marques houston, had to wait for their third album and er, puberty, before gaining success in 1995. several years later they realised that their name was perhaps not doing them any favours and they became IMx.


kris kross – i missed the bus
born 1978/79, debut 1992 ages 13/14

research has failed to uncover an earlier example of clothes being worn backwards. therefore, millions of fashion crimes can be traced back to a pair of early teens, both called chris, in 1992. just to clarify, an entire culture took style cues from a 13 and 14 year old. never in 2007. i have resisted the temptation to put ‘jump’ on here. it’s usually played in clubs right after ‘jump around’ if you seriously can’t remember it…