dirty martini

old music for new people

the return of celebitchy brother January 4, 2009

green-eye

i don’t usualy get into the celeb reality shows, partly as i don’t usually know who the ‘celebs’ are. the last celeb bb scraped the barrel but ended up the most controversial yet.

i kind of hope standby contestant tony mortimer gets a go.

ben adams

was apparently in a band called A1. i don’t remember them at all. i didn’t remember the band ziggy from the last bb was supposedly in around the same time either. clearly i wasn’t paying attention.

mutya buena

not sure she needed to do this, she just needs to do more work with people like groove armada. or get all the sugababes back together as a fivesome.  it’s also a bit of a risk, can see her being at the very least on the fringes of any controversy.

terry christian

he’s 48! who knew. far less annoying than i remember on ‘the word’. not that he ever came remotely near honk voiced, self-deluded oxygen thief dani behr. her comeback has been thankfully squashed. did she forget how much everyone hates her?

coolio

is so far following samuel l jackson’s tried and tested ‘i heart the uk’ route. worst behaviour so far has been to fart in bed. is a serial reality show contestant and also has recently hosted an online cooking show, the fabulously titled ‘cookin’ with coolio’.

michelle heaton

fresh from her divorce from andy scott-lee. since the split she’s been linked to matt di angelo, ziggy lichman and liam mcgough from 2007 bb. who i’m sure aren’t rubbing their hands together at the thought of revealing all to a few quality publications whilst she’s in the house. silly girl.

latoya jackson

has released 11 albums. of which i have heard precisely none. i wonder what it was about jermaine’s experience two years ago, exactly, that made her want to participate??

ulrika jonsson

clearly there to ensure that the glamour model isn’t the biggest slapper in the house, which would have been too easy. old leather face saggy boobs wants us to believe that she’s only 41. considering she was a grown woman when i was about 5, i don’t think this is possible…call me stupid…

tina malone

aka the mouthy mum from shameless. who has allegedly undergone a bit of a makeover and wants to show it off. um…

lucy pinder

oh zzzz….another glamour model who thinks she has something to say by virtue of the fact that she’s a brunette and therfore can’t be classed as dumb. think again. oh sorry, you can’t.

tommy sheridan

is famous for campaigning against the poll tax about 20 years ago. if he plans to start a council tax revolution from behind those four walls i am so in.

verne troyer

it’s of course perfectly safe to put a midget in the bb house, what with the show’s history of caring, politically correct celebutard contestants. smh although watching him drink drive his way around the house is amusing to say the least.

 

true school July 19, 2008

you went to junior school in the 80s if:

  • you had a jelly bag to match your jelly shoes – basically a bag full of holes. practical, no?
  • you wore scrunchies without irony
  • every time grease was on tv it restarted a major craze…
  • …until dirty dancing
  • you wore furry earmuffs for fashion reasons, not to please your mum
  • you spent your cash on smash hits stickers, not alcopops
  • you wanted to go to degrassi junior high, but didn’t understand the us school system
  • your parents thought madonna was a bad influence, and back then she actually was
  • you tried to get your mum to buy your clothes from chelsea girl, snob and tammy girl
  • you didn’t need to do retro, you did 80s

download here

air – high school lover

average white band – schoolboy crush

dazz band – straight out of school

funn – school daze

john david lewis – high school lady

maelstrom and napz – soul school

musical youth – schoolgirl

prince and 94 east – you can be my teacher

raydio – goin’ through school and love

rosie gaines – skool ology

sister nancy – gwan a school

sylvers – high school dance

 

songs to make your ipod melt in shame… July 1, 2008

i have bad taste for miles. is that ‘music’ in inverted commas?

download here

britney spears – you drive me crazy

less gothic sounding than baby one more time. god i can’t believe this is nearly ten years old…shit…although i can when i see a pic of britney now.

deeelite – groove is in the heart

i’m not saying deee-lite are shit. i love them but this song is all most people know and its played out. but you have to have it there. i don’t have to have ‘love shack’ though, i will so survive…

divinyls – i touch myself

i probably only like this cos its rude, since its a style of music i usually don’t care for. yeah that must be it.

emf – unbelievable

emf are one of the worst examples of early 90s madchester, baggy, whatever you want to call it…at the time though, there may not have been a distinguishable difference between them and the happy mondays.

5ive – slam dunk da funk

5ive were your archetypal wannabe r&b boy band who were more chesterfield than atlanta. so, they were fab in a way only a british boy band can get away with.

four tops – loco in acapulco

the four tops were way past their prime when this was recorded and it was included on the soundtrack to phil collin’s buster, a terrible movie. it’s summer 1988 in three and half minutes, however.

inner circle – sweat

top class cheesy summer reggae. no doubt a purist’s nightmare, but hey, i’m no purist.

joey lawrence – nothin’ my love can’t fix

yes that’s joey from blossom. the one who had a mullet well into the 90s and was endearing for being thick, like so many other joeys before and since. uk people of a certain age – ‘joey!’ hands up who didn’t even know the origin of that insult when they used it?

kylie minogue – better the devil you know

this was covered by steps, and i’m not quite tragic enough to have them on my ipod. kylie is definitely better than steps…i think. yeah, lisa scott-lee is in steps and she’s the epitome of desperation. agreed.

nkotb – step by step

the main reason i love this is the bit in the middle: ‘step one! we can have lots of fun.’ wait – was that sung by a donkey? well, danny wood was a donkey, horse, camel, depending on who you asked. this was obviously before jay-z and just about the same time as tony adams, so any of the titles were up for grabs.

pulp – disco 2000

i should hate jarvis cocker for so many reasons. he’s dandy – i don’t get that, i really don’t get the russell brand thing. oh and he should really have given us another ten years – this was only released in 1995, five years before we were supposed to be fully grown. fat chance, i’m not even there yet.

wiley – wearing my rolex

my only real objection to this song, as with countless other bassline tracks, is that i love it. hear me out. i’m getting on, i did speed garage (for that it what this is, kids) the first time round in my uni days. you’re making me feel old…

A history of my one woman campaign for people to listen to what the hell they want:

once i admitted to having bad taste..

…i then found myself unable to stop

…and ended up sharing too much…

then tv made guilty pleasure ok again