dirty martini

old music for new people

the purple hook-up April 20, 2008

apparently prince would like to duet with amy winehouse and she has rightly said she would be there with bells on if that rumour is true.

after beyonce’s shameless showboating at the grammys, it’s lucky he’ll consider sharing the stage with anyone.

regular readers will know i love me some prince:

as do the current r&b cognoscenti

my fantasy prince setlist, should he ever do another greatest hits tour

last summer, i saw him at the o2…sigh

prince’s protegees for even more purple magic

my first ever post included rare prince material

some artists needed a little princespiration

even more artists jacked his style

download here

prince and angie stone – sunshine

prince and george clinton – we can funk

prince and jill jones – my baby knows how 2 love me

prince and madonna – love song

prince and maxwell – no one

prince and nona gaye – love sign

prince and rosie gaines – nothing compares 2 u

prince and sheena easton – u got the look

prince and sheila e – erotic city

prince and vanity 6 – if a girl answers

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show me the money April 18, 2008

this post is self explanatory but i’ll say one thing. those gold diggers are not feeling the credit crunch in the same way as the rest of us. i’m not saying it’s right…

top 5 gold diggers

1. heather mills

didn’t fab-macca-thumbs-aloft blaze a hot publicity trail during the divorce trial? two weeks of beatle songs on american idol, brit appearance…now a liverpool concert.

2. kevin federline

even k-fed was well out of that family, who made even shar jackson look classy by comparison.

3. tameka foster

can you say ‘marriage of convenience’? never been more convinced that usher is gay. this week chilli revealed she still loves him…hmmm…

4. most WAGs

no news there then.

5. meg matthews

surely even monobrow could have done better at the height of oasis’ fame?

 download here

amerie – money maker

big bub – material girl

blu cantrell – hit em up style

cashflow – spending money

destiny’s child – bills bills bills

gwen guthrie – ain’t nothin’ goin’ on but the rent

janice christie – my love is money

junior mafia – get money

kanye west – gold digger

ol’ dirty bastard and kelis – got your money

shades – tell me

tlc- no scrubs

 

the two step invasion April 12, 2008

no genre of music has ever divided clubgoers like uk garage. after speed garage, which was basically still 4/4 and just like us garage but faster, 2 step garage emerged. a significant proportion of the first wave of 2 step records were r&b covers or bootlegs.

i seem to remember that after an initial bang in 1997/8, garage went back underground in 1999, bar ‘sweet like chocolate’, before a resurgence of interest later in the year that eventually took it mainstream. i was in london, so it never really went away, but there was little evidence during 1999 that it had a presence beyond the m25.

this was an expensive scene saturated with champagne and designer labels, and many of the clubs such as twice as nice operated an over 25’s door policy. the attitude was reminiscent of the wine bar scene of the late 80s – only now you needed to be cool and have the cash (credit…come on, most of the clubbers were on less than £20k a year, those promoters should be ashamed).

my man did not like uk garage at all. to me, it was the house/r&b hybrid i’d often tried to imagine.

download here

ramsey and fen – lovebug

dhl – favourite girl

lenny fontana – spirit of the sun

n’n’g – right before my eyes

future underground nation – the way

sweet female attitude – flowers

destiny’s child vs jameson – bug a boo

brandy and monica vs architechs – the boy is mine

richie dan – call it fate

tin tin out and emma bunton – what i am

artful dodger and romina johnson – movin’ too fast

dem 2 – destiny

kele le roc- my love

christian falk- make it right

n’n’g and rose windross – liferide

doolally – straight from the heart

 

everybody loves leona April 11, 2008

so leona has cracked the US, big time. i’m pleased for her and now I see why her album contains so many ballads. their cheese radar is lower than that of the endlessly critical brits, perhaps…and some people find ballads cheesy. leona does them well though.

so whilst ‘spirit’ is good quality, there’ll be plenty of time for a mature sound later on. now that she’s cemented her popularity for the foreseeable future, she really needs to nail the pop/r&b crossover next time. anyway, since leona’s second album must be a sure thing by now I was wondering how it’ll turn out. so, these are the types of songs that I’d like to hear from her.

download here

aaliyah – hot like fire

leona has the right tone to her voice to copy aaliyah’s style but has much more range, so it would be interesting…

adriana evans – looking for your love

this type of sweet, live instrumental track would be a good personality fit for leona, who appears to have won over the US and UK public with her sweet, down to earth manner. i’m not with those who translate this into a lack of personality – if she was delivering witty asides to camera, that would be fake.

amerie – crush

this would have been a cute track for leona. for whatever reason amerie continue to flop, maybe leona could take this off her hands…

brownstone – if you love me

no point having that vocal capability if you’re not going to show it off?

juicy – sugar free

in fact she did record an updated version of this called ‘suga sweet’ pre-x factor, and it’s not bad. midtempo 80s soul would be a nice contrast with her voice.

mariah carey – we belong together

in a way, ‘better in time’ is her ‘we belong together’. but another one won’t hurt. maybe she should keep it back for her third album.

prince – if i was your girlfriend

some princespiration won’t go amiss…why not, everyone else is doing it. if leona’s going to shake off her good girl image, she should go classic, not sleaze.

keisha white – open like so

leona will need to do sass at some point. not in a trashy beyonce style, or man-bashing late 90s jittery r&b, but something a bit more direct. like this.

kelly rowland – can’t nobody

i see this as the type of club track leona might do – not too aggressive or desperately current, just something that works.

alexander o’neal and cherrelle – never knew love like this

leona and lemar. please.

shola ama – you’re the one i love

this was the song that i remember shola for the most, not sure if it was her biggest hit but it was the perfect balance between pop and r&b. but in the 90s, for a uk artist, this was about as r&b as it got.

swv – weak

if leona sticks with some ballads, I would love to see her tackle some 90s style slow jams.

 

21 again? April 9, 2008

there is no news in the revelation that celebs lie about their age but it doesn’t get any less ridiculous.

they can get caught out by their voting records like ashton kutcher, resentful ex-classmates or their own desire to purge themselves and tell the truth, thus angering their publicist.

alicia keys

enemy of the stars, wendy williams, claims that rootsy alicia isn’t quite so authentic and is a few years older than she claims. her apparent maturity suggests that this could be true. she debuted in 1997 with ‘sexy thing’ on the men in black soundtrack.

amerie

her opening offer was 1982. no one bid. do i hear 1980? *crickets* ok, 1978? going once…

beyonce

who knows if that 1974 birth certificate is real? bee looked about 27 ten years ago and rumour has it this wouldn’t be the only secret she’s managed to keep. personally i think she may be telling the truth and just had a bad case of the catherine zeta joneses. just think how old she would look if she wasn’t spending an alleged 20k a month on her beauty regime.

jennifer lopez

achieved career nirvana and sang like a canary (once) when faced with police interrogation, and admitted to being born a year earlier than previously stated. hey, who else can we do this to?

kelis

shaved a year off her age in her early career until a la guardia classmate blew the whistle. others claim its more like five years. i just don’t see the point…she’s not that type of girl. i’m going to try and be tactful here….it just doesn’t make a difference, you know?

madonna

apparently her publicist made her lie about her age in the early days, but madonna herself revealed that she was two years older, having been born the same year as wacko. bet the leotard botherer wishes she had those two years back now that the big 5-0 is approaching.

michelle williams

made the mistake of standing in front of a banner reading ‘class of 1989’ for a yearbook photo. lol. even if that was just an old banner, everyone is too ready to believe she looks old enough to be 37, so it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not.

smooth

without a shadow of a doubt the most barefaced liar on this list. check her 1990 videos on youtube when she was apparently 11. although nothing would surprise me in that family i think chris stokes has an older sister not a younger one. a source claims that she was actually 34 a few years back – you do the math.

snoop

wiki says he could be anything up to 41 years old by now. which makes sense seeing as how he’s been on the scene since i was at school…and i’m not going into how long ago that was right now…

teedra moses

i’ve mentioned her age on here before and been told off (well, as far as you can tell someone who isn’t bothered). the wiki changed pretty quickly from 82 to 76 and that’s only three years off the truth. progress.

 

saucer of milk? April 5, 2008

you know how your parents used to say people who were nasty to were just jealous? turns out most of the time they were right.

female celebs are always under pressure to comment on their counterparts, and the latest under attack is leona lewis. well she’s talented, pretty, unassuming, has simon cowell on her side…and is from a reality show. which is so much worse than being from a stage school, apparently.

download here

beyonce – back up

where do we start? letoya, latavia, farrah, michelle, keke wyatt and blu cantrell might all have something to say about this diva’s behaviour. although letoya probably owes her second album to those who wanted to see the queen bee’s feathers ruffled at her former rival’s success. if you’ve seen that clip from trevor nelson’s mtv show ‘the lick’ just after farrah and michelle joined, you know jay-z better watch his humps if those wedding rumours are true.

britney spears – gimme more

it’s britney, bitch. actually she’s a remarkably clever (bear with me) bitch. her girlish war of words with rival christina aguilera, fuelled by a mutual desire for then-curly disaster justin, left christina with egg on her face and branded a boyfriend-baiting bitch. despite having a technically better voice, people seem to prefer a drugged up, fat, scruffy, medicore brit than the desperately showboating and cleaned up ms aguilera. gutted, much?

christina aguilera – hurt

she had the better voice but britney got there first, in more ways than one. in fact, slaguilera is more likely to have criticism directed at her than give it out, and has become the poster girl for oversinging precious r&b wannabes the world over. much as i love r&b myself, kelly osbourne had it spot on. i can just about stand this song as it’s so heavily remixed by the snowflakerz.

jamelia – b.i.t.c.h

you could assume that jamelia recorded this with a sense of humour, in response to fabricated media stories of her various lashings of any female celebrity better looking or more talented than herself. however, since the release of parent album ‘thank you’, her desperate needling has gone into overdrive…and i’m not blaming her PR anymore. they probably quit by now.

jennifer lopez – ain’t it funny

famously branded madonna a useless singer and actor and claimed gwyneth paltrow only found fame after brad pitt. was snubbed by the macriobiotic twosome at what was probably a really unappetising dinner party. um, didn’t she kind of have a point? on that note, gwyneth was always way too minging for brad and should have known better. jen took their snub and raised them an almost-marriage to one of their exes, ben affleck. fun – loving your style, jen.

leona lewis – the best you never had

has so far maintained her dignity, only venturing that jamelia is ‘insecure’ and made a slight dig at whitney and mariah’s continued wearing of fur. she clearly has mariah rattled, who seems eager to communicate that no one in america is talking about leona. except, she’s number one and everyone is? well, mariah does also believe that she’s 12 years old so…whatever…it’s 1982 and everything’s lovely.

lily allen – smile

gently baits her chat show guests in her smug, cockney-with-more-cash-than-you manner, when not singing about her chav boyfriends. baited other serial slagger cheryl cole on the use of autotune in girls aloud. like, no shit, lily, we didn’t see popstars the rivals. and your singing voice lily, really could do with it as well?

mariah carey – heartbreaker

ironically depicted herself as two sides of a catfight in the video for this track after a war of words with both whitney and madonna. claimed not to have ‘taken any notice of anything madonna did since the early 80s, when she was popular’. well i have my thoughts on the exact time and place madonna should have taken a bow, but come on, you can’t ignore the leotard loving granny.

miss jones – don’t front

this lady (and i do use the term loosely) has pissed off *deep breath* beyonce, her scary looking mama, christina milian, danity kane, p diddy, monica, wendy williams (!)…asian people everywhere, victims of the tsunami…

whitney houston – my name is not susan

used to elegantly sidestep any opportunities to bitch about her contemporaries but, hasn’t been interviewed much post-drugs. i’d like to hear what velour tracksuited ‘hell to the naw’ whitney could unleash on the young generation.

 

you always take the weather with you

weather.jpg

in the uk we’re probably more obsessed with the weather than is healthy. because our weather is SO CRAP.

evidence:

  • weeks where the temperature ranges from 4c to 18c so you don’t know what the bleep to wear
  • summers which are hot, but humid rather than sunny
  • summers which are sunny and then way too hot
  • rain – last summer we even tried to blame rihanna

download here

alexander o’neal – sunshine

nice 80s mellow track from mad mr neal. was ‘interpolated’ in the 90s by jay-z and foxy brown. how does a camel always manage to get a female compadre? foxy, mary, beyonce…

cloud one – don’t let this rainbow pass me by

quality 70s/80s soul.

level 42 – sun goes down

cod-reggae from a band that only ever would have sold in the 80s. you could get away with anything back then.

love unlimited – walking in the rain with the one that i love

these girls were part of barry white’s love unlimited orchestra until he allowed them to sing. hence their catalogue is an odd mix of vocal 70s soul and instrumentals. this was sampled by letoya luckett for ‘you got what i need’.

madame x – cherries in the snow

vanity-esque mid-late 80s artist. so, sounds a bit like prince, a genre close to my heart. cherries in the snow is also the name of a revlon lipstick and a book by emma forrest.

miss thang – thunder and lightning

answer records did exist in the 80s – this was a reply to oran juice jones. the genre wasn’t invented by sporty thievz.

neneh cherry – kisses on the wind

first woman not to hide her pregnancy on totp in 1989…and became a grandmother in 2004 at the age of 40.

new edition –  can you stand the rain

post-bobby and once their voices had broken, this was a great turn of the decade slow jam.

oran’ juice jones – the rain

synth soul classic with actual rain noise in case the point about rain wasn’t quite clear…gotta love the 80s…

rah band – clouds across the moon

quirky semi novelty soul. about someone whose man has flown to the moon. yes, the moon.

rotary connection –  i am the black gold of the sun

one of the best chillout soul classics ever featuring minnie ripperton. shameful admission – i thought nu yorican soul’s 90s cover was the original at the time. well i wasn’t born in 1971…

tony toni tone – it never rains in southern california

ok, again…i thought this was an original. tony toni tone are another group who can pull off cover versions.